getting started

I’ve been negligent in my writing these past few months. Partly because of depression. Partly because of fear of my ex-husband. Partly because of fear of myself. I typically see my writing as totally shit. Imposter syndrome. Etc. 

Every time I go to write, especially on a computer, my voice freezes and the words dissipate. Like right now, for example.

Nearly every day, I find myself at some point sitting on my worn out grey couch, staring out the window at the bit of woods across the street. Crows haunt the branches, and eagles perch high above in the scraggy top bits from time to time. To bastardize Frost, the woods are not mine, but I do know who they belong to. A tipsy old man who uses his cane to bang open the chain link fence gate as he comes to collect the eggs from his chickens. He keeps dog biscuits in the door of his truck to feed our dog, Duckie. 

Our street is quiet. A mix of rough and ramshackle trailers, falling apart homes, and then…around the sharp corner two places down, it changes. Upscale houses overlooking the water sit on the bluffs with their exacting yards, landscapers, and expensive cars. Our home sits on the boundary. A small, white, ranch house with large windows and no garage, I’m not as good at keeping up with the mowing as my fancier neighbors to the north, but large “collections” of rusting machines, formerly working cars, and debris aren’t here either.  From the outside, it’s quite nondescript, plain even. My attempts to get a wildflower bed going in front of the fence have stalled. It’s more weedy than flowery these days. And that’s okay. Like me, it’s a messy work in progress.
I’m struggling to write because I feel like I’ve lost my voice. I’ve lost a reason for writing. I want to write, but don’t have anything to say. At least, anything worth saying. I struggle with knowing my place. Is this where I want to be? Am I doing what I want to be doing? Why am I not happy here? Why am I not content? Why do I feel so unfulfilled, so mentally dull and stagnant? How on earth do I go about changing things, if at all? And…most challenging, what exactly do I want things to change to?? What do I need to do to feel content/fulfilled?